Columnist Muses on Purity Rings, 8-year Plan and Celebs
Graig Agop
Issue date: 10/15/08 Section: Column
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That's because the Jonas Brothers are pure. "Purity" is a concept invented by the Puritans who believed no man should be left without a nice piece of jewelry. But since rings only came in women's sizes, Peter, king of the Puritans, prayed to Tiffany & Co. to create rings for men, and in return he would give up sexual penetration until marriage.
When it comes to getting high GPA's, the Jonas brothers do it! It's simple, no sex life means better scores. In fact, all three Joe-mo's excel when it comes to their education. Though they choose not to get it up, they do keep their grades up and so can you! I believe the secret is in the rings. They have power and more purity rings are something we can all benefit from. There would be higher test scores and less STD's from vending machines on campus. They say, "One ring to rule them all" but all I know is that ring had to be manufactured by Disney.
I have realized that the exciting life of the Jonas Brothers: Kevin, Nick, and Joe-mo, is very similar to the bisexual hobbits in The "Lord of the Rings" trilogy.
At the end of the day, aren't they all just three little boys on an excursion to spread joy while protecting their "preciouses" from women and men who aren't their type. So back off Selena Gomez, I ain't telling you thrice. Nick Jonas is getting his wand nowhere near your "Waverly Place."
But what I don't get is how you can wear a purity ring, and then call a press conference to just talk about how much you like muffins, yeah, "blueberry ones." Whatever! These Jomoes are kinky as hell, but can they fight the urge? Even Charlie Sheen can fight temptation if the only woman he's around is singer, actress, and pony Demi Lavato. No one want's to blueberry muffin her.
Speaking of blueberry muffins, I like mine the old fashion way and with caffeine, but when I ordered a tall coffee from a barista at The Coffee Bean and she was being a Venti Bee-atch.
I'm sorry I confused your 8-ounce cup of coffee for a 8-ounce cup of coffee, but everyone knows I like Starbucks in the morning and Coffee Bean at night. I should warn the Latinos about "grande." It's not what they think.
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